A Firm Persuasion

When we emerge from a descent through the valley of the shadow of death, and recover from the ordeal of such an illness, the body has survived. The soul questions come next:
• What will grow out of this experience?
• How will this change my life?
• What purpose might it serve?
• How may it contribute to having a life of significant soil?”

Jean Shinoda Bolen, “Close to the Bone”

Bolen’s book Close to the Bone has become like holy scripture to me during my cancer treatments. It’s sub-title; “Life-Threatening Illness and the Search for Meaning” has become my mission in a way. The book, once new, now after eight months of reading and re-reading has tattered edges, ink and pencil comments, red, yellow and blue sticky tabs, and a few green tea stains! It has become like the Velveteen Rabbit, worn but loved and definitely real.

I can’t at the moment remember how I discovered this book. Maybe I wrote about it in an earlier posting because it was an act of synchronicity. Over a few weeks time, I kept reading articles about or written by: May Sarton, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Marion Woodson, and several other women writers. Now, you must realize here, that this was not an intentional action on my part. It was truly synchronicity. The things I was reading were not directly connected to all of these women; the common connecting thread was the healing process as it relates to breast cancer.

Also, I need to tell you that each of these writers are not strangers to me. I have been reading their work for many years but it was not until I had been diagnosed with breast cancer did I know of this connection. I have in my possession several books by each of these authors, all them look like my copy of “Close to the Bone.” They are on my shelf labeled “autobiography and memoir.”

This re-connection began I think with my re-reading of May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude. It has been like a re-union of old friends. (That sounds like a great writing idea. I will conduct a reunion in my living room with a chair for each book. I will let the books speak for the authors. You might see this posting in the near future!)

I connected with another old friend, in Bolen’s Close to the Bone—Albert Schweitzer! Now he sounds like an unlikely member of my healing circle; let me explain. When I was a kid, about 10 maybe, I made a poster in school representing what I wanted to be when I grew up—Albert Schweitzer, a missionary doctor to Africa. I have no idea today how I even knew about him. I did have a connection at our local church to Dr. Abel who gave presentations about his work in Africa but I don’t know how I connected that to A.S. The poster represented me giving a presentation similar to Dr. Abel’s about my work in Africa. I lived in a small town where everyone knew each other, so it was no surprise that my teacher gave the poster to the pastor of the local church who proudly presented this to the congregations, as I slowly sank down in my seat with embarrassment. I soon began to realize, however, that being a missionary doctor was not a possibility for a little girl growing up in rural New York State in the fifties but that is another posting.

Anyway, here in Bolen’s book is Albert Schweitzer who after a death threatening illness decides to devote his life to the alleviation of suffering and refers to it as an initiation into “The Fellowship of Those Who Bear the Mark of Pain.” In his words:

Those who have learned by experience what physical pain and bodily anguish mean, belong together all the world over; they are united by a secret bond…[S] he is now a [wo] man whose eyes are open with regards to pain and suffering and must help to overcome [the suffering of others.]

Bolen goes on to quote Lawrence LeShan (who by the way is a friend of May Sarton’s and written about in “Journal of a Solitude”) about the power of compassionate action in the transformation of cancer as a turning point. LeShan, the author of Cancer as a Turning Point, is a research and clinical psychologist, and documents the importance of psychological change in the mobilizing a compromised immune system for healing.

I do not regard a patient as finished until he or she is spending some time and energy in work demonstrating concern for more of the human race than the self.

Bolen continues to tell the stories of many people who have transformed their cancer journeys by committing their lives or at least part of their time in service to others. This reminds me of my experience at the Village Zendo, when my own feelings of suffering where dissipated into the ocean of something bigger. (See “Christmas Eve.”)

I heard a Zen teaching on WZEN.org radio this morning. I have heard many times before the comparison of the mind to the sky and our thinking to the clouds. For some reason it just seemed more profound this morning. Perhaps, it is due to my feelings this past week of being alone, of failure, of not making of my life what I had desired, etc. etc. These feelings are of course due to my thoughts, the clouds that have been drifting across the sky. In reality, the sky is unchanged by the clouds. Even though at times the clouds seem so real that you could walk or even bounce on them. But our thoughts are no more than the clouds. They come and go and although they seem like hard reality, they are not. They are figments of our imagination of the past, of the future, which of course are not real. These thoughts feed our emotions and create suffering.

It was my trip to the prison that brought me back to the clear mind and a commitment to life. I have been working with women in the prison for several years. In the past year, I worked on getting funding for a re-entry program to assist the women in their re-integration into the local community. The funding started on July 1, so I went in yesterday to connect with the women, describe the program, and ask them to fill out an application document. Most of the women are hungry for programs, for connections, for making art, writing, etc. Usually on Saturdays we make art. They call it “art class.” Yesterday, due to last week’s surgery, I was unable to carry in all the art supplies, so I dedicated the time to the new program called “The Journey Home.”

LeShan asks his patients “What kind of life and lifestyle would make you glad to get up in the morning and go to bed at night a ‘good tired?’” Joseph Campbell tells us to “follow our bliss.” The Dalai Lama suggests “compassionate action.”

David Whyte in his writings on work suggests that we need what William Blake refers to as a “firm persuasion—to feel that what we do is right for ourselves and good for the world at exactly the right time.” (Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity.) When I am not overcome by the shadows of the clouds in my sky, I can feel this firm persuasion.

Cancer has been a wake up call for me. “Wake up, Bonnie,” it says. “Use an umbrella if you need to; but, ignore those clouds in your sky. They are nothing but an illusion. Keep up the compassionate action. Follow your bliss.”

Cancer has taught me that in order to act on my compassion, in order to follow my bliss and maintain my firm persuasion, I need to take care of my body and not take it for granted. I need to be a warrior and warriors need to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. Exercise, good nutrition, and meditation practice.

When my family participated in the Race for the Cure, my sister named our team “Walking Tall Warriors.” When I think of that, my body feels stronger, my mind feels stronger, and all of that strengthens my spirit and soul.