The path you take…

“Whatever life presents to you, that is the path you take.”
~Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara

“…everyday is a journey, and the journey itself is home.”
~Matsuo Bashi

In August, before my diagnosis of cancer, I came upon the most outstanding Zen teacher, Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara. I was doing a Google search for Tricycle magazine and I found one of her podcast videos.

In her podcast, she addressed the Three Jewels of the Buddhist philosophy – the Buddha (meditation practice), the Dharma (teachings) and the Sangha (community). Her challenge to listeners, at least for me, was the Third Jewel- the Sangha, finding a community of practitioners. I had been to a few Buddhist retreats in the recent past; but I had never been a part of a community or sangha. She inspired me to then search for a local zendo. I started my exploration with the Village Zendo in NYC where she was the Abbot. To my surprise, I found that is was associated with the Buddhist Peace Fellowship, of which I am an online member. The BPF is an activist type Buddhist fellowship committed to social justice, especially prison work. So I decided to go the Sunday morning session in NYC.

It was a journey in its own right. I woke up at 6 AM on Sunday morning and drove to Harrison, NJ to catch the PATH. I then took the PATH to the World Trade Center and walked about one mile to the Zendo location in the 500 block of Broadway. The entire one-way trip was about 1 1/2 hours. After the session, I enjoyed walking in the City for about an hour or so and returned home around 4 PM. I made that journey only two times but I feel a deep sense of connection there. During the first visit, I received an amazing teaching on compassion, which I will write about in another posting.

Shortly after my second visit, my life took a drastic detour after finding out that I had breast cancer, and I have not been able to return. I do however listen to Roshi Enkyo’s bimonthly podcasts. It was in one of those teachings that I heard the words quoted above and about which I wish to write this morning.

I have struggled with a question Roshi asked in another podcast. “Where is the place I can settle myself and establish my life?” I have been searching for this “sense of place” my entire adult life. I have at different times felt this deep sense of belonging, only to be uprooted by life circumstances and a move to another city. I try to live the philosophy that the “journey itself is home;” however, I continually fall into that deep longing for a sense of place in the physical sense. At the same time, I am aware that that longing is like a thick fog. It blinds you to what is right in front of your eyes and what in that moment may be the most significant experience and learning of your lifetime.

Flashback: in 1998, I had the privilege of participating in an Interfaith Pilgrimage to Retrace the Middle Passage of Slavery. On this particular part of the pilgrimage, I had walked with thirty other pilgrims from Baltimore to Washington, D.C. On my way back home, I gave a ride to a couple of pilgrims who were staying at the Peace Pagoda outside Albany, NY. I had seen the large beautiful, white Peace Pagodas in photographs and looked forward with great anticipation to see one in person. We arrived in the middle of the night and were guided by handmade signs to our sleeping quarters. The wonderful sense of hospitality I felt allowed me to relax and fall into a deep and restful sleep. Much needed after five days of walking on an average of fifteen miles a day and sleeping on the floor of churches and schools. I woke up excited to finally see the pagoda only to find that a thick fog had engulfed the entire mountain. I was deeply disappointed. However, that disappointment was replaced with gratitude as the Buddhist nuns prepared a bath for me in their outside bath made of stone and heated by a wood fire. I felt like I was in heaven. After meditation and breakfast, I started walking the winding stone path to the pagoda. As I walked the fog gradually lifted to reveal the amazing peace pagoda – right there in front of my eyes where of course it had been all along. Right there, only 50 yards or so from my sleeping quarters and the bath area.

The lifting of that fog was for me a deep spiritual experience. I feel sometimes that I get stuck in the longing, resentments, and disappointments that act as a thick fog. A fog hiding what is really happening in that particular moment of my life. Oh boy, do I struggle with this life lesson. You know, how sometimes you feel that we are given so many opportunities to learn a lesson? And each time you fall back into the old way of thinking?

Flashback: I am in Arizona for a job interview. I have extended my stay over the weekend so that I can visit the mountains and spend a day or so in Sedona. I want to be in the presence of those magnificent red rocks. The days in Sedona are marvelous. I find a great room in the local Hostel and go exploring to find all of the energy vortexes and hike red rocks. The first hike begins on a wooded trail. I am walking in anticipation of turning a corner and there in front of me will be the wonderful red rocks towering over me. Instead, the path curves and continues through the woods. I am deeply disappointed. I can hike in woods at home. Each turn looks the same and I keep searching for the opening to see the red rocks. I soon become tired and climb a little rocky area to have a snack and a few moments to meditate, take some photos and write in my journal. As I relax into the moment, I begin to see the beauty all around me, in the trees, the smaller rocks and the lights and shadows. I see this path a lesson for my life in which I am always searching for something else and overlooking what is there in front of my eyes. I do eventually arrive at the breath-taking opening in the woods where the huge red rock formations reach to the sky with a more appreciative open attitude.

I feel like I am in such a moment. Since my diagnosis, I have been able to stay in the moment. I have put into practice the lessons of mindfulness and other teachings I have received from cancer survivors and Buddhist teachings. Nevertheless, in the next two weeks, I will have one of the biggest tests of my life. One in which I can easily drift into the fog of resentment, jealousy, disappointment, and sadness. I want to remain mindful. I want to experience the feelings and witness how I live them and learn from them. I do not want to run from the experience but to stay in the moment and gain an understanding through the suffering.

Let me explain. Next week, my first grandchild is going to be welcomed into the world. She is expected to be born on Tuesday. My plan was to get in the car as soon as I got the call from my son and drive to Boston where they live. I have been hoarding vacation days so that I could take as much time as I needed to share these moments with him and his wife. This is a slow time at the college so I could take a few weeks and even more into January. Well, these plans have been disrupted. Of course, the sweet little angel is still going to join us but my presence is up in the air. I am not sure how I will be feeling and if I should make the 8 hours drive just to return the next day. I have my long Chemo on the day before Christmas so I will not be able to travel that week. So I seems the best thing for me and my recovery is to stay put the next couple of weeks and then fly to Boston the week of the New Year.

Can I let go of the idea of being there at the hospital when the baby is born and seeing her in her first moments of life? Can I let go of seeing that joy in my son’s eyes when he tells me she is born and he points her out in the nursery? Can I let go of those shared memories without falling into the fog of disappointment, resentment and sadness? Can I stay in the moment of whatever emotions come up?

Meditation practice is a method to assist us in staying in the moment. Most human suffering comes from our minds slipping into the past or future, looking for answers, explanations, or just dwelling there in past memories or anticipated futures. We search for the meaning of life’s injustice, pain and even joys. I have come to believe that our greatest lesson is taught through the meditation practice. Letting go of the search for meaning and living each moment not as if it is our last but in the realization that it is the only moment. The journey itself is not home, the journey itself is just that the journey. Each moment should be lived without the lens of the past or the future. We need to clean our lenses of regrets, resentments, anticipations and other thoughts that get in the way of living that moment to the fullest no matter what is happening. If we feel sad, then we feel sad. If we feel joy, then we feel joy. But let that be the pure sadness or joy of the moment not clouded by the past or the future or even our search for meaning. The key to healing both the body and the soul is not to stay positive it is to stay awake. Awake to the pure energy, emotions and thoughts of the present moment.