“What arises out of that quiet mind, that moment when we let go?
If we’re ready, and the experience is deep enough,
what arises is compassion.” ~ Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara, Abbot, Village Zendo, NYC
I went to the Village Zendo to learn about compassion. I was spending too much of my time thinking about my self, feeling sorry for myself, longing for a different life. My self was the center of my world, like the axis that my life revolved around. I wanted to change that. I wanted to feel the interconnectedness that the Buddha taught. I could understand it in my mind. I could see the cause and effect of everything that happens including our thoughts and intentions. But I could not feel it in my heart. I was feeling very much alone.
It is how I was feeling tonight – Christmas Eve. I had one of the long chemo sessions today so I was unable to travel or visit anyone for the holiday. I was planning on visiting the prison tomorrow Christmas Day but an unexplained illness caused 100 inmates to become ill. Needless to say, with my compromised immune system, it is not a place for me to visit right now.
So here I sit in my apartment alone. Not feeling like doing much of anything. I tried eating several different things: chicken soup, applesauce, Jell-O, pudding. None of these things tasted good so I ate only a few spoons full. I drank some Gatorade, banana-strawberry drink and water. None of these tasted good either. It did however take away some of the nausea. I don’t remember feeling this bad on the first day of previous treatments. I was tired the first night but not the edge of nausea. Today I am totally exhausted in body and spirit.
A friend loaned me a box of videos to watch. Tonight I chose “Finding Forrester” which inspired me to write in order to make sense of my world. I decided to write about compassion. It seems to me to be what the Christmas spirit is really about. As I hear the church bells ringing from across the street I think of the first visit I made to the Village Zendo in New York City last October.
Flashback: On my way to the Village Zendo, I walked several blocks from the Path station at the WTC to the 500 block of Broadway. As I walked the sense of isolation increased. I felt totally disconnected from everything I saw and every person I passed. I arrived at the Zendo early. I immediately recognized Enkyo Roshi from the podcast I had seen on the internet. She welcomed me with open arms and an open heart. She introduced me to the other people and asked one of them to help me with the procedures. About half way through the session, there was announcement that new participants could speak with a teacher. I was thrilled but had no idea what to expect. I have had a couple of sessions with teachers at retreats but did not remember the protocol.
First, I was to sit in line outside the room designated for the teacher. When it was my turn, I was told to tell the teacher my name and she would handle the rest. After a short time, the teacher asked if I had a question. I am not sure what I said exactly, something about wanting to feel the interconnection, part of the big picture, etc. She asked me some questions that led me to realize that I needed to feel my own pain first. She asked me what prevented me from that. I answered, “fear.” She asked me to take a few moments to meditate on this. As I did I felt like a bundle of energy, like a tornado actually. She said something like “good” stay with it. She was so present. As I stayed with it, I felt like I was a tornado on the ocean. And then the most amazing thing happened – the ocean absorbed the tornado. I felt like a part of the ocean. All my energy was gone and I was totally at peace.
To feel the pain of others we must first feel deeply our own pain. But we can’t stop with our own pain. We can get stuck in it. We must let go and go deeper so that compassion arises. I can write these words but I cannot feel them, I cannot act on them when I feel alone, wallowing in my own suffering.
A few weeks ago I wrote about accepting the journey and being in the moment. Tonight I struggle with that idea. I don’t want to be in this moment. I don’t want to feel so tired on Christmas Eve when many others are with family and friends.
So what is the way out? How do I let compassion arise when I am feeling so alone? By going deeper. By letting the tornado be absorbed by the vast energy of the ocean. This begins by becoming aware of the breath, which calms the body and the mind. It lifts that fog I wrote about in a previous posting.
In a recent episode of “Speaking of Faith”, Krista Tippett explores the work and life of Jean Vanier, founder of a community centered around people with mental disabilities, L’Arche. The episode is called “The Wisdom of Tenderness.” (You can find the link in the Blog Roll.) I will close this posting with a quote from that interview when Vanier speaks about how it is vital to live in the present:
“…to love reality, not live in the imagination of what could have been, what should have been or can be… That doesn’t mean to be passive but to learn how to react and live that reality in our bodies, with our frailties and humanity.” ~ Jean Vanier
Letters 