Watching Law & Order

“Yet, this knowledge depended on a journey:
Sharpness of mind alone could never win it.”
~ Rumi

I decided to have my own Law and Order marathon yesterday. I don’t own a television so I am limited to what I can download on my MAC or order through Netflix. Even without a TV, I have three shows I watch either online or through I-Tunes: Law and Order, Charlie Rose, and Bill Moyer’s Journal. I have more than three seasons of SVU, CI and the regular Law and Order on my computer. It is a great escape.

So on Saturday, I just didn’t feel like going out or anything else, for that matter. So I did some cleaning and then decided to watch one episode of Law and Order. Well, anyone who is addicted to that show knows how difficult it is to watch just one show; it is like eating just one potato chip!

In one of the episodes, Detective Max Greevey is murdered and Detective Green visits the NYPD psychologist to deal with his grief. At each visit Green gains a better understanding of the 7 stages of grieving. As the show progressed and Green went through the stages, I thought of the stages I and other people go through from the first mention of cancer in connection to their lives until they reach acceptance.

I am sure we go through the same emotional states: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and acceptance/hope. Certainly, I can attest to the drastic change in my life when I heard the words – “breast cancer.” The word “cancer” keeps floating around in my mind. It is like a computer screen saver. The word just keeps floating around in and out of focus but always there. I have a dozen new bookmarks on my internet server and a new bookshelf full of books, magazines and printouts.

With this said, I do wonder if I am still in a stage of denial. There is something about the surreal awareness. I sometimes feel like I am outside my body witnessing the events, such as chemo IV’s and PET scans. The other day on the phone, a friend was telling me of his conversation with another common friend of ours. He said something like “ I guess you heard that Bonnie has cancer.” Whoa! Hearing him say my name and cancer in the same breath was very jarring to my psyche. Even though, I am living it day to day, seeing my bald head in the mirror, feeling the chemo port in my chest – hearing those words in his voice—well, that cracked through some of the dissociation of the whole experience.

I believe denial itself has several stages. For me the first to break is the denial in my head. Very early, my cognitive awareness was in acceptance and seeking out information. This is my method for dealing with any stressful situation. I gather information and then act accordingly. I guess that would be obvious to you if you could see my new bookshelf and list of bookmarks!! I have changed my eating habits and am very conscious of being relaxed and getting rest. And I started writing in this blog.

Another denial stage is in action. As I stated above, I have gone beyond the cognitive and put all of things I have learned into action. I am eating better, drinking lots of water, avoiding crowds, and getting rest. But there is still a surreal awareness. All of this is not connected to my heart and soul.

Flashback: About ten years ago, I was mugged at knife-point while traveling alone in South Africa. When I returned home, I was in total emotional dissociation. When I talked about the experience, others said I was almost smiling. I felt like I was reporting on something I read and watched in a movie. It wasn’t until some time later when I worked through it by painting and writing poetry did I actually feel the fear of that day.

Sometimes, I feel that way now.